Being a somewhat avid gym-goer, and also being a tad bit (read: extremely) on the judgmental side (I'm sorry, it's just my nature), I've taken to making many observations while sweating out my toxins. On the surface, you might think that the University of Miami Wellness Center is the epicenter of typical Miami superficiality. But, O contraire, mon ami! Luckily for me and for my loyal readership, the Wellness Center is actually a great wealth of interesting, humorous, and tragic characters. The following is a list of character-types I've observed at the gym, in no particular order:
1.
The Grunter - This type is one of the more odious characters that hovers around the gym. It is usually--no, almost
always--a male. If he put as much effort into his schoolwork as he did into toning those abs and growing those biceps, the world would have another Albert Einstein on its hands. Priorities aside, the most obnoxious part of this character's presence is that he crosses to the designated "women's" side (by women, I do not mean to invoke sexist terminology, only to distinguish the sides by the amount of weight on the racks). He will then place himself in the most inconvenient spot, sprawled out in such a way that he blocks all pathways to the weight rack, and will then proceed to make the most carnal, bestial noises possible while he tries to work out five different muscle groups simultaneously. There you are, quietly and humbly lifting your five-pound dumbells when from the floor a disembodied, "UUUURRRGGGHHH!" erupts. Just when you think, "Oh, that must have been the last of his set," another animal noise, twice as loud as the first, emerges. Then another. You know it's bad when people start to look up from the insulated serenity of their iPod headphones. No matter how many disgruntled gym goers stare at this dude, he remains oblivious.
2.
The Overly Competitive, Adjacent Alpha-Male - This dude plops himself right onto the piece of cardio equipment next to you and, without warming up, without stretching, and without shame puts it on the highest/fastest/hardest level that his physique will allow. If he sees that you are approaching the speed and intensity he has selected, he will be sure to one-up you before you can catch up with him. That's funny, you weren't aware that you were racing! Just allow this character to maintain his pride and ignore him. Or, for more fun and variety, try to push him to his limits.
3.
The Really Fucking Stinky Guy - Okay, now I understand that part of the reason one exercises is because it is good to sweat out all the toxins from your body. That is not an excuse for parading around stinking to high heavens. But I'll make a compromise. If you're sweaty and smelly, I'll forgive you, but do me a favor: Don't leave your putrid ass stain on the weight bench and try to wipe your sweat from the cardio equipment before you go. You don't need to leave a "legacy" wherever you go, thanks.
4.
The Hopelessly Uncoordinated Person - Because I find the treadmill dreadfully boring and get equally bored on other forms of cardio equipment, I try to attend various group exercise classes at the gym. Maybe it's because I'm a musician, and perhaps my experience leading a section in orchestra means that my sense of rhythm and beat is particularly acute, but it is quite literally
painful to watch some people during step classes. Western music isn't complicated. Aerobics music is even less so. It's in four. So when you see those two or three people scattered around the classroom who appear to be stepping to some different (and evidently quite erratic) music, you don't know whether to wince or to laugh. The more tragically funny part? This character shows up every week and
still can't get the foot to meet the floor with the beat.
5.
The Are You Honestly Wearing That to the Gym? Type - This type manifests itself in several ways, but this is mainly a phenomenon we witness among females. The gym is not, I repeat
IS NOT a fashion show. It is really not at all necessary to put on a full face of makeup to go work out nor is designer couture of any type particularly important for looking like an asshole on the eliptical machine. I also think there should be a mandate against shorts where your ass is hanging out, especially if other people are forced to stand behind you and
especially if your shorts have some asinine message plastered onto the back. My philosophy is always this: when in doubt, more clothing is better!
6.
The Just Because You Are Loving the Music You're Listening To, Doesn't Mean Everyone Else Is Type - I'm already kind of annoyed with iPods, but I'm willing to embrace their usefulness at the gym. That said, I want to emphasize that there is a reason that iPods come with headphones: just because you want to listen to something, doesn't mean that everyone else around you wants to. Singing really loudly while you're on some piece of gym equipment is not okay. Especially if your music sucks.
7.
The Do You Actually Do Anything Else But Go To The Gym? Type - People tend to go to the gym at the same time on any given day, but have you ever noticed those people that tend to be there
every time you go? I mean, we're not talking about within an hour or two of when you normally go, or on one or two other coincidental occasions. These people, I am quite convinced,
live in the gym. This may be a grunter, the dude who works out the same two muscle groups (and thus has a disproportionately large top half) or, more tragically, may be the compulsive over-exerciser. Without pointing to any specific individuals, allow me to say that it is positively disturbing to watch the same gaunt girl walk into your step class already drenched in sweat, work out harder than everyone in the class, then stay for a subsequent class. Most of me wants so desperately to shake these people and say, "YOU NEED HELP!" but I have a feeling that it unfortunately comes across in weird, perplexed, disturbed, and uncontrollable stares.
8.
The Clueless, I've-Never-Been-to-a-Gym-in-My-Life Type - The most obvious form of this type is usually a scrawny, but flabby male who looks a tiny bit bewildered and overwhelmed at all of the exercise equipment. He will tentatively get on the eliptical, get settled, but will look out of place for the entire duration of his workout. He will either not sweat at all because he is too fearful of the equipment or he will sweat from the tiniest amount of exertion since he's obviously never set foot in a gym, ever. The most hilarious scene to watch is when he fearfully lifts three- or five-pound dumbbells around lots of teeny girls lifting ten- and twelve-pound weights.
9. The 10-Minute Workout Type - While the effort should be applauded, this person probably got more of a workout by walking to the gym that he/she actually did at the gym. This person will get on a piece of cardio equipment or walk into a class, proceed at a reasonably vigorous pace, and quit 10 or 15 minutes later, declaring the workout over. It's always funny when you see them after your workout (after you've finished the class or worked out for an hour) in the dining hall, still wearing their gym gear, plate loaded with food. God bless America!
This is not to say, of course, that I look so fabulous at the gym (I don't). I just find people watching at such an absurd institution as the gym is (a subject for another time) an incredibly amusing activity. Anyone who has been to the Wellness Center--or any gym for that matter--can probably appreciate the quirky characters the gym offers to the people-watcher.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ADD
aware
melancholy
stressed
sad
amused
chipper
peaceful
nerdy
curious
aggravated
